Part 8.1 "Death of a Saint?"

Part 8.1
I don't think Death can ever be beautiful. Maybe it can occur in the context of beauty and honor. Maybe someone's death can be framed with love, sacrifice and mercy. I often think of a "nice" death as one where you go to sleep that night then you find yourself in a beautiful dream surrounded by wonderful mountain views. Suddenly you are met with angels and they inform you it is time. You follow them to Heaven and your body slowly breathes its last breath and you pass on in the dream from one plane of existence into another. Instead I find violent deaths, deaths that are slow and prolonged due to illness. The only "nice" deaths I find are the quick ones. The ones where the death is so quick and violent it is possible that the person didn’t feel a thing.


The Death:
My mother-in-law suffered a slow ugly death due to Cancer. Her body was emaciated, her hands looked like skeleton hands and her skin was a pronounced dull yellow due to jaundice. She looked almost mummified to a certain extent. She suffered a debilitating seizure a few hours before her passing where she lost her ability to speak. She would slowly move her eyes and head from side to side but you didn't know if she was sentient or not. My wife and I got there while she was in this state. It was hard to tell if she could understand when my wife would speak to her. Later, shortly after midnight her body convulsed violently. It appeared my mother-in-law was sneezing. That type of sneeze that is deep and hard, that hurts deep down in your chest. Her body did this sneeze around 2-3 times then kept still and that was it. She died. Everyone could tell it had happened. Cries of bereavement filled the bedroom by all those around her as her body laid still.

Now this death is probably what normally happens under these unfortunate circumstances as the body battles cancer and loses. Not sure, that's just my opinion but I am not a doctor. But what bothers me the most is that this woman was supposedly a Godly woman of the highest magnitude, filled with the Holy Spirit (so I was led to believe) based on the beliefs held by the IFB church. She was a Pastor's wife, unrelenting witness and tireless worker. She would perform “door-knocking visitation” which for you sales people is very similar to “cold sales calls”. In one instance she knocked on a person door and when the poor soul opened the door she said “Bang” as she held her hand in the shape of a gun. She would then ask “What if it was a real gun and you died; would you wake up in heaven or hell?” (Yep, I know what you are thinking, “Was she nuts!? That could get her beat up, slapped or at least screamed at!”) In many ways she was fearless and bold. Many times I envied that. She wouldn't hesitate to witness to anyone on the street no matter the color of their skin or their appearance. (Yes this is the same woman that is mentioned at the beginning of this blog --- the one that called her daughter (my wife) a whore for wearing “that which pertaineth to a man” ---pants.)

Where was God’s grace? Was this it? Was this the death she was supposed to get? She didn’t die with a smile on her face as she looked dreamily toward paradise. There was no “presence of angels” in the room. Instead there was sickness, sadness and despair. She had been battling cancer for several years and after certain high points in her treatment, that is when things were going well and she looked like she was winning the battle, she would claim the victory and said she believed God had/or would soon heal her. Yet she died. The only grace I found was that she was surrounded by most of her family and kids. I say most because my Father-In-Law refused to allow one of the Daughter-In-Laws from entering the house because he simply did not like her (see previous post). Later that night as everyone continued to weep, the funeral home personnel came and took her body away.

Now I don’t want to seem blasphemous or offensive to anybody but I was expecting something better for her. True, we had disagreements as evidenced by this blog, but if I am wrong and in danger of God’s judgment, then she is/was right with God. Why didn’t God give her more grace than that? There are those that were present at her deathbed that have convinced themselves that she passed away peacefully just so that they can preserve some sort of sanctity/peace within themselves. That’s fine, I won’t begrudge them that, but the truth is she suffered and it was disturbing. As I mentioned before; “Above All, Truth.”

The Husband’s Reaction:
The second part of her passing away that bothered me was the way my Father-In-Law reacted. Here was a “Man of God” that preached the glories of heaven and all that awaits the children of God on the other side. He preached that God was the one that strengthens you during the valleys of your life, yet he fell into despair. He wished for her return and contemplated giving up on life and often mentioned that he had nothing to live for. Now, I don’t begrudge a man’s mourning for his spouse. It is a terrible thing. An event that I hope to avoid, but here was a man that judged me and condemned me and considered himself to be “holier than me” yet where was his faith? I would not say this of any other man but you make yourself a spectacle/hypocrite when you act like this and you claim to be God’s man. Either you believe this stuff or you don’t. A few weeks after she passed away, he wondered why certain people still lived and she didn’t. Why God had taken her away?

I became angry at him and his lack of faith especially when he was so quick to condemn others and rub it in their noses that he was going to heaven and they were not. (To be frank, this still makes me angry when I think about it.) Maybe he thought they were too good for this to happen to them. Both of them kept hoping for God to deliver them from this cancerous death and maybe they could not understand why He (God) was not responding. After all, they had done everything right by their reckoning. They were in the service for God; they had put their ministry above everything else, including their children and their personal health/wealth. I have been there as a young Christian. I’ve wondered why God did not answer my prayer when all that was needed was faith, and I had it when I prayed. Later, I would convince myself that I had done something wrong to displease God, that’s why he didn’t answer me.

To be fair, if my spouse died I would fair no better. I would probably cry like a baby for quite a while. The difference is I’m not the “Spirit Filled Man of God.” I don’t claim to be one. I don’t preach/prance like a spring peacock telling everyone how great everything is when you do what I say, and how God’s going to hurt you if you don’t do what I say.

My Mother-In-Law’s death has left me with more questions and some brutally honest conclusions. Some of you will disagree whole-heartedly, that’s fine. I welcome the disagreements/feedback. The conclusions below are just the facts as I see them:

“Piss poor planning on our part, does not constitute an emergency on God’s part”:
In other words, if you neglect your health don’t expect God to heal you in the final hour. (This can be said about our finances too by the way) Where in the Bible does it say that? Can God heal? Sure, by definition He is God he can do anything. The real question is “Does God heal?” or maybe “Will God heal?” The answer to those questions is: No. Sorry, but if He was in the healing business why does he let sickness continue? Why doesn’t he send Benny Hinn to the hospitals and start healing the folks in intensive care? (Personally, I think Benny Hinn is a crook/fake, so just pick your favorite preacher in his stead.) I know this is Pandora’s Box for some and yes I’ve studied Theodicy so we can go a couple of rounds if you like but honestly, when was the last time you prayed for someone who was on their deathbed? Did you honestly believe they were going to be healed? Did you honestly believe they were going to rise up? If this happened when you and others prayed don’t you think we would hear about it? I’m not talking about these cheap parlor tricks/antics seen at these so-called “Healing Services” a la` Benny Hinn. I’m talking legitimate healing!

Preachers are nothing but poor sinners, they are not perfect men.:
Some of you will say “Well, DUH! Where have you been?” But, I write this for 2 reasons. One, if a preacher is reading this, get off that high horse of yours. Preaching "as one having authority" does not mean being an arrogant ass. Two, the next time a man of God wants you to do something that puts your family/health/wealth in jeopardy you say one word: NO! or even better “HELL NO!”. You see my point is this: They are not God, and if one of these men comes to you and says “God has told me that you need to [insert unreasonable request here]” you can fire back and say “God is perfectly able to tell me directly, thank you very much.” There is one thing I learned late in my Christian life that I wish someone had taught me from the start: There is a difference between serving God, and serving your Church/Pastor. Beware: they are NOT one and the same!!